The Moment I Became a Dad

Hello Friends and Family,

I thought I wouldn’t feel like a dad until Mills was born. Don’t get me wrong; the moment Mills was born was magic. But that wasn’t the moment I became a dad.

Likewise, when Courtney showed me the positive pregnancy test I knew that my whole world changed, but I didn’t become a dad that day either.

Nor did I become a dad the first time we heard his little heart beating or when we saw his little face on an ultrasound for the first time.

I haven’t asked anyone, but I bet every dad I know will have a different answer for the moment they knew they became a dad. For me it was 6:06pm on June 22, 2023.

This is the moment I became a dad. Courtney had been in labor for around 22.5 hours; Mills would be born just 32 minutes later. At this point there were three of us in the room: Me, Courtney, and one of our Doulas (also named Courtney!)

Before I explain why this was the moment I became a dad you need to know what happened in the previous 24 hours.

6/21/2023 - 6:38pm EDT

I was running a little late from work and stopped at the grocery store to pick up some supplies to make homemade quesadillas. The grocery store was out of gluten-free tortillas and I wanted to do my own cheese blend, so I was EXTRA late getting home.

The corn tortillas I got weren’t good for quesadillas, so I made traditional quesadillas for me while Courtney pivoted to tacos for herself.

6/21/2023 - 7:40pm EDT

I had finished just about half of my quesadilla when Courtney told me that her water broke. She still hadn’t started frying her tortillas to make taco shells, so as she went to get changed I took over as taco chef.

After a quick call to our Doulas (Doulas of ATL), Courtney phoned Katie Cook, the midwife on call who told her to come to the hospital in 12 hours.

While Courtney ate dinner and finished making her calls, I had to run a very important errand to buy one last item on our hospital checklist.

I got home and started packing the car, making arrangements for Willow to stay with friends for a few days, telling my work that I would be starting my paternity leave, and handing off pending work assignments.

Courtney was busy with similar scheduling items and making sure everything on her checklist was marked off.

6/22/2023 - 12:28am EDT

Almost 5 hours later I finally convinced Courtney to go to sleep while I did a final check of the carseat installation.

I finally got in bed at 2am and slept tossed and turned for 4.5 hours until we both watched the alarm go off at 6:30am and we left for the hospital.

6/22/2023 - 7:49am EDT

We got checked into the hospital and placed in a triage room where we would wait for several hours while they confirmed that Courtney’s water had indeed broken.

We had enough time for me to make a run to Flying Biscuit for a HUGE breakfast to help us get ready for a long day of labor.

6/22/2023 - 11:29am EDT

We got checked into the birthing room and prepared to begin laboring in earnest. The small and variably timed contractions would grow larger and more frequent over the next several hours.

6/22/2023 - 3:39pm EDT

We had a progress check and it was determined that Courtney was 6.5cm-7cm dilated and 70% effaced. Contractions were now very regular and the intensity was growing every hour.

6/22/2023 - 5:57pm EDT

The labor pains had intensified to the point where Courtney was only able to answer yes/no questions in between contractions. Our doula, had handed her a plastic comb to squeeze during contractions a couple of hours ago.

The purpose was to use the comb as a way to help reframe the focus of pain to another part of the body.

6/22/2023 - 6:06pm EDT

Courtney had planned, even before we became pregnant, to have an unmedicated birth. We knew that this type of birth plan was going to be both mentally and physically challenging.

Physically, Courtney participated in weekly pre-natal Pilates classes at Contour Pilates which is owned by our dear friend and neighbor. She took every pre-natal Peloton Class at least 2 times. She did several sessions with a pelvic floor specialist.

Mentally, she and I spend hours building the mental framework needed when doing hard things. We talked about the circumstances that she would want to move away from this plan. We developed a set of truth statements that formed the basis of WHY she chose this path.

At this point squeezing the comb and having someone massage her hips was no longer enough to distract her from the pain. She had labored for around 21.5 hours at this point.

Courtney instinctively knew it was too late for medication. I was sitting just beside her on an exercise ball. She found the strength to whisper: “It hurts so bad.”

To this point she had not directly addressed the physical pain she was in. She moaned, she gripped her comb, and she clung to either the doula or to me, but she never used energy to give voice to the obvious.

I leaned in close, just before the next contraction started and whispered the phrase that we use with each other when it feels like things are at their worst and we don’t see a way out:

Almost instantly, the largest contraction to that point hit. She grabbed my hand and squeezed as hard as she could.

In that moment, I became a dad.

That single unspoken act of trust between us that together we will do whatever it takes to protect each other and our son.

I am her hand to hold and she is mine.

I couldn’t imagine a better way to become a dad.

Until our next adventure,

Austin, Courtney, Mills, and Willow

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